Then I'd be left isolated and discarded; out in the cold, rejected and unwanted. All because I had dared to express what I thought or felt. It's much better to stay quiet and not rock the boat, right? Yes. Absolutely. Keep the peace and everything will be alright. I'll get over whatever had upset me and move on. No harm done.
Since learning more "psychology stuff", reading about the topic for my studies and actually looking at my own behaviour, I'm realising the damage I do, not only to myself, but my close relationships by choosing this "don't rock the boat" strategy. I'm beginning to realise the benefits of actively choosing honesty over my personal fear.
Looking back, I can count numerous occasions where the fear of speaking my mind, expressing my thoughts and feelings, has lead to - guess what? - misunderstanding and disappointment! By not being honest up front, the other person with whom I've inadequately communicated has built an inaccurate picture of me and what I wanted. Fortunately, help is at hand. As is my want, when I have a situation which needs attention, I buy a book. During my coaching studies, I have bought and read many books (see the list in my previous blog post). One of particular relevance to this fear of not being liked is Susan Jeffers' "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway."
If I analyse my fear of "people not liking me", it equates to a fear of rejection, disapproval and possibly loss of image. This particular fear is what Susan calls "Level 2 Fear": it is not situation-oriented, but rather an "ego-based" fear. She writes: "Level 2 fears have to do with inner states of mind rather than exterior situations. They reflect your sense of self and your ability to handle this world." (page 12)
She goes on to describe level 2 fears as translating to: "I can't handle being rejected..."
"AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERY ONE OF YOUR FEARS IS SIMPLY THE FEAR THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE WHATEVER LIFE MAY BRING YOU."
Susan proposes:
"IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD HANDLE ANYTHING THAT CAME YOUR WAY, WHAT WOULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO FEAR?"
Another book which offers me hope in conquering this fear is the one I'm currently in the middle of. In particular, the very first tool, designed to help with avoidance. I'm very happy in my comfort zone and do a lot of the things the authors point out as avoidance tactics which keep me safely in the zone. Could it be that my desire to not speak up and rock any boats is a way of staying inside my familiar comfort zone? It is too painful for me to face my fear and speak up. Although this chapter focuses on situations different to this particular fear, the tool to help overcome avoidance I suspect could be helpful. Another chapter of particular relevance is the one about "Find Confidence and Inner Authority". It could be even more useful. Looking at when I avoid confronting someone honestly for fear of them not liking me, I see a close link to my relationship with people in authority. As the elder daughter, being quiet and amenable was a valued and rewarded behaviour. Especially when it came to keeping my seldom-seem father happy with me. It's a bit tedious, but true - we are significantly shaped in the first years of life. We pick up on the atmosphere around us. Our sense of self stems from this critical developmental period. So, we're unlikely to be able to identify when or how we became so fearful of something.
That doesn't mean we can't change our behaviours. It just takes time and patience with ourselves. There are so many resources out there to help us. Ultimately, though, it's our own action which will cause the changes to occur. This is something clearly demontstrated in Marshall B.Rosenberg's wonderful "Nonviolent Communication: A language of compassion." "NVC" is a compassionate way of communicating and an ideal model for those of us who fear the results of what we say. Having read this (and my other coaching-related resources), I now believe I am as important and valuable as any other human being. That being true, my thoughts and feelings are as valuable as those of my communication partner. Therefore, I'm perfectly entitled to express them. The key is to do it in a respectful, considerate way. This takes A LOT of practice. But keep in mind, I am not responsible for how another person chooses to react to what I say. My responsibility is to speak honestly. To say clearly what I see, how I feel about it and what I want to happen as a result of our discussion. Here is a summary of how to use NVC. For more detailed information, go to the NVC website.
Dispelling long-held fears and changing deeply ingrained behviours are not easy things to do. It's a work-in-progress for me and with each small success, I'm cheered on to continue the fight and to move to a place of balanced-thinking and honest, healthy communication.
How about you?
