Slowing Down

This popped up on my FB timeline. Am assuming if it's posted there, I can share it here...
Just felt it to be so appropriate for so many of us busy, rushing-everywhere people today. 

Make a Mistake - Discover New Opportunities

My walking commitment has been a bit wobbly for most of this week. I managed an impromptu stroll around a small park in Munich yesterday. And even managed a mad dash to the train station in the evening (apparently this forced sprint was good for me!!)

Apart from that, I have to admit to having failed miserably on Tuesday and Wednesday. No walking at all. Then today, I made the unforgivable mistake of mixing up the times of my lesson. Instead of 1pm, I should have been in the classroom at 8am...

What do I learn from this? Be more careful when adding appointments into my calender. But perhaps more importantly, don't overload the calender in the first place.

I had been worried that this week would be a struggle with back-to-back appointments, classes and meetings from Monday till Saturday. Now, however, I have some free time. A window of extra time to take stock and build up my energy for the last push of the week. I know how much better I'll feel for some fresh air because I got out for 40 mins on Monday. In contrast to the reluctant struggle up the hill on the last walk I did, Monday's walk was much more positive - maybe something to do with staying on the flat path - maybe due to the fact I just felt happier. Either way, it did me (as my mother would say) the world of good.

So, despite having missed a class by mistake I'm happy to be able to take advantage of some extra time and get myself out for a spot of fresh air and exercise. For me, an unexpected opportunity; for my students, an early start to the weekend.

But I don't feel like it today...

I did get out for my walk today. After 2 days without sticking to my new routine, I really didn't feel like it today either. In the interest of psycho-scientific research, I made myself trudge up the hill and complete a short round. On a decidedly cold day, I was wrapped up in hat, scarf and no small amount of negativity.

I'd like to say that after 10 minutes I was glad to have made the effort and I was benefiting from the fresh air. Instead, I was thinking how little time it takes to undo a fragile, newly developing habit. I shall have to start again from today.

As I write this, I'm feeling the knock-on effects of having been at my pc most of the day. The daily walk really is a very important thing, for both body and mind. Tomorrow is another day; I'll aim to get that walk in and manage it with a lighter, more willing heart.

A Public Holiday

October 3rd is a public holiday in Germany. In our house, a day off usually mean a chance to catch up on stuff that doesn't get done in the busy working week. And so the plan on Tuesday was to take the opportunity of a work-free day to do some - work!!!

Over breakfast, as is my wont, I settled down to soak up some more of my current book. So enthralling was the book, and so quiet was the house, I kept reading until 11am. The beak came when I was asked to drive my kids to and from places. In brief, I spent the public holiday completely NOT doing that which I'd intended to do. Apart from - and here I am pleased to share - my daily walk!!!

It was a glorious October day so using a slot between car journeys, I walked a different route from my usual. The sky was its best shinning sky blue, a few skimpy clouds majestically skimmed the horizon, a buzzard leisurely circled and glided above the treeline. Still feeling a bit under the weather from my cold, half an hour along the river was just right.

Today, however is a different story. The stuff I'd intended to do yesterday, now has to be squashed into 3 1/2 hours before I head off to teach. Getting the daily walk in will be a bit of challenge. Will report back tomorrow as to whether - or, better to say - how I manage it!

Daily Walk Commitment - Days 2 &3

Day 2
Despite feeling distinctly under the weather yesterday, I got myself up and away from my desk and went for my walk. Nothing of great interest to report. The only moment of note (for me, anyway) was when I reached the point of "left for the longer walk / right for the shorter walk". I kept going left and benefited from the longer route.

One of many woodpiles along the way

Day 3
Today, it was somewhat easier to get myself out. I made a conscious decision to put my walking shoes on before doing anything else. I know that when I get caught up with stuff, it's easier to put off the walk. While walking, I pondered on how perhaps I'm beginning to construct a new habit. Perhaps I'm laying down the route for a new neural pathway in the area of my brain where the habit of staying in and sitting at my desk has been embedded?

I was also thinking of Autumns past. This time last year, I was out and about in sandals and t-shirt still. It was that weekend of 30 degree temperatures. Lovely! I remembered walks pushing a baby buggy while waiting for my daughter to finish her swimming lesson. The luxury of a quiet stroll with nothing more to consider than getting back to pick up my little swimmer and go home for supper.

With my daily walking, I want to focus on today and the details I see around me in that moment now. To truly soak up that moment and feel gratitude for my amazing environment. Invariably, I end up listing a number of things that I  need to do as soon as I get home. Perhaps I need to add an additional goal to the daily walk - switch off and live in that moment.

Classic Autumn Colours

Autumnal Abundance

Commitment

I recently read in one of my coaching study books - can't remember which one, I'm reading quite a few simultaneously (I know, I know - let's just not go there right now, OK?) about commitment to goals. In order to stick to the decision to do something for ourselves - let's say "exercise" for arguments sake - we stand a better chance of staying on track if we buddy up with someone.

So. Here's the thing; being such a sedentary person (remember the multi-book reading habit), I'm beginning to suffer the effects - lower back pain, stiff & heavy legs, general poor cardiovascular fitness. Also, the general stress of DOING TOO MUCH (again another topic for another blog - and I'm sure I'm not alone when it comes to needing to look at that debate), causes an overload in my brain.

Solution? 20-30 minutes daily walk. A march up the hill at the back of our house and a steadily-paced walk over the fields. It really is a most delightful route. We live in an utterly breath-taking area - which conversely actually provides me the opportunity to take plenty of oxygen-rich breaths. I love it once I'm out and up the hill.

And the thinking I manage to do...Loads of thoughts. I love it! Today, the thoughts centered on coaching and mentoring for educators. But, how can I offer coaching and mentoring guidance if I can't follow my own advice?


Solution? Get a buddy or two to help me stick to my goal of taking a daily walk. In lieu of an actual walking buddy right now - hubby is out of action with torn ligaments - I thought of posting daily reports in FB. If I know people are aware of my commitment to action, I'm more likely to avoid loss-of-face by posting each day. Then I thought, that might get irritating for those with no interest in "walking with" me.

Solution? The blog post! Ideal - I'll post the link and anyone interested in checking up on my progress can pop by when then want. Brilliant, don't ya think?!

Now, I have an added incentive to maintain my daily walks. And while Autumn is spoiling me with such spectacular displays of colour, it's even more of a pleasure.








Stated Aim: to walk every day for 20-30 mins starting today.

Promise to self: will post a short insight into thoughts on walk and, most specifically, the fact that I did walk!

Time frame: 1 whole week (with the option to extend another week)

This is a personal experiment on how commited I am to my goal and how disciplined I can be in keeping to my promise.

Watch this space.....

Will you still like me?

One of my worst fears is that if I speak honestly and say what I really think or feel, the other person won't like me any more. Until today, I thought it was a rare fear; that I was unique in being so worried that my words would precipitate a sudden loss of love. Or worse, an outbreak of total dislike and disappointment towards me. My words might be misconstrued; I'd be incapable of adequately expressing myself. It would be an awful situation from which my relationship with the other person would be unlikely to survive unscathed.

Then I'd be left isolated and discarded; out in the cold, rejected and unwanted. All because I had dared to express what I thought or felt. It's much better to stay quiet and not rock the boat, right?  Yes. Absolutely. Keep the peace and everything will be alright. I'll get over whatever had upset me and move on. No harm done.


Since learning more "psychology stuff", reading about the topic for my studies and actually looking at my own behaviour, I'm realising the damage I do, not only to myself, but my close relationships by choosing this "don't rock the boat" strategy. I'm beginning to realise the benefits of actively choosing honesty over my personal fear. 


Looking back, I can count numerous occasions where the fear of speaking my mind, expressing my thoughts and feelings, has lead to - guess what? - misunderstanding and disappointment! By not being honest up front, the other person with whom I've inadequately communicated has built an inaccurate picture of me and what I wanted.  

Fortunately, help is at hand. As is my want, when I have a situation which needs attention, I buy a book. During my coaching studies, I have bought and read many books (see the list in my previous blog post). One of particular relevance to this fear of not being liked is Susan Jeffers' "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway."

If I analyse my fear of "people not liking me", it equates to a fear of rejection, disapproval and possibly loss of image. This particular fear is what Susan calls "Level 2 Fear": it is not situation-oriented, but rather an "ego-based" fear. She writes: "Level 2 fears have to do with inner states of mind rather than exterior situations. They reflect your sense of self and your ability to handle this world." (page 12)


She goes on to describe level 2 fears as translating to: "I can't handle being rejected..."

"AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERY ONE OF YOUR FEARS IS SIMPLY THE FEAR THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE WHATEVER LIFE MAY BRING YOU."

Susan proposes:

"IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD HANDLE ANYTHING THAT CAME YOUR WAY, WHAT WOULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO FEAR?"

Another book which offers me hope in conquering this fear is the one I'm currently in the middle of. In particular, the very first tool, designed to help with avoidance. I'm very happy in my comfort zone and do a lot of the things the authors point out as avoidance tactics which keep me safely in the zone. Could it be that my desire to not speak up and rock any boats is a way of staying inside my familiar comfort zone? It is too painful for me to face my fear and speak up. Although this chapter focuses on situations different to this particular fear, the tool to help overcome avoidance I suspect could be helpful. Another chapter of particular relevance is the one about "Find Confidence and Inner Authority". 
It could be even more useful. Looking at when I avoid confronting someone honestly for fear of them not liking me, I see a close link to my relationship with people in authority. As the elder daughter, being quiet and amenable was a valued and rewarded behaviour. Especially when it came to keeping my seldom-seem father happy with me. It's a bit tedious, but true - we are significantly shaped in the first years of life. We pick up on the atmosphere around us. Our sense of self stems from this critical developmental period. So, we're unlikely to be able to identify when or how we became so fearful of something. 


That doesn't mean we can't change our behaviours. It just takes time and patience with ourselves. There are so many resources out there to help us. Ultimately, though, it's our own action which will cause the changes to occur. This is something clearly demontstrated in Marshall B.Rosenberg's wonderful "Nonviolent Communication: A language of compassion." 

"NVC" is a compassionate way of communicating and an ideal model for those of us who fear the results of what we say. Having read this (and my other coaching-related resources), I now believe I am as important and valuable as any other human being. That being true, my thoughts and feelings are as valuable as those of my communication partner. Therefore, I'm perfectly entitled to express them. The key is to do it in a respectful, considerate way. This takes A LOT of practice. But keep in mind, I am not responsible for how another person chooses to react to what I say. My responsibility is to speak honestly. To say clearly what I see, how I feel about it and what I want to happen as a result of our discussion. Here is a summary of how to use NVC. For more detailed information, go to the NVC website.

Dispelling long-held fears and changing deeply ingrained behviours are not easy things to do. It's a work-in-progress for me and with each small success, I'm cheered on to continue the fight and to move to a place of balanced-thinking and honest, healthy communication. 


How about you?